How to have more skillful communication and solve difficult conversations effectively

Communication is not always simple. Even with those we love and care about most, and often especially with them, we might be drawn into negative interactions that can quickly escalate, leaving both persons dissatisfied.

Difficult conversations typically leave us feeling hurt, misunderstood and/or resentful.

In order to have more skillful communication we must first understand the two different types of interactions that happen in every conversation:

1. Content: what is being said
2. Relationship: how this content is being said/how it makes the other person feel

Content and Relationship are two integral components of every conversation.

A skillful communicator is aware of both – they can have a conversation about the content of what is being said while at the same time being responsive to how it makes their partner feel.

A challenging situation occurs when we separate these two elements from each other so that we only focus on the content while we ignore the relationship or vice versa.

Solve difficult conversation

To help us understand how to skillfully navigate difficult conversations let’s use a popular model created by Susan Scott called Fierce Conversations

Fierce conversations are characterized by these three elements: it is safe, necessary and has real accountability. Let’s break them down:

Safe

The first element of a Fierce conversation is safety. How safe do you feel to have this conversation? Do you feel supported by your partner?

Is there an environment that allows for the possibility of hearing each other without retaliation or defensiveness?

Necessary

If it’s not necessary then don’t have it! Just because you want to bring something up doesn’t mean you have to. If you feel the need to address a difficult topic with your partner, first ask yourself if this is something that can be resolved.

If not then there is no point in rehashing it – just drop it.

Real Accountability

For both parties involved in a conversation there must be real accountability for each of their actions. “It’s not just about being right, it is about doing the right thing.”

For example, let’s say you are having a conversation with your partner and they admit to something that makes you very upset.

During this interaction, you have become loud and your voice begins shaking. At this point, you have moved from a Fierce conversation to a Frightened one because the environment has changed.

This is not necessarily anyone’s fault, but rather an example of how easily things can go awry in a relationship so it is important to be aware of the situation and to be able to change it before it escalates further.

Tools for having skillful conversations

The following are some useful tools for having more skillful conversations with your partner.

1. Ask Questions: One of the most important aspects of a conversation is to be curious about your partner’s perspective. Asking questions allows you to find out their side of things and can help you understand them better.
2. Reflect: After asking a question, use the information you receive to reflect back on what your partner has told you. This lets them know that you are listening and makes them feel validated.
3. Stay Calm: It is very easy to get defensive during a conversation, especially when you are feeling attacked or misunderstood. Remaining calm allows for more rational decision making on both sides.
4. Own your own stuff: If you have an issue with something that your partner has done, then you need to be responsible for how it makes you feel. Owning your own personal feelings makes it easier to resolve the situation because there is no blame or defensiveness.
5. Be Silly! Don’t take yourself so seriously during a conversation! Keeping things light and fun makes it easier for both of you to be open about what is going on.

• Related post: Building Strong And Long-Lasting Connections
• Related post: How to Make Friends in Person

Tips to have more skillful communication

The following are some tips that can help you have more skillful conversations with your partner.

• Do Talk! The most important part of having better communication is being able to talk about things in the first place. Although it may be challenging, talking about difficult issues is imperative to have a healthy relationship.
• Don’t Blame: When you are in the middle of a conversation, it is easy to blame your partner for provoking you or making you upset. However, this doesn’t solve anything and only makes the situation worse.
• Avoid the Closet: If there are things that you are unable to talk about then get them out into the open! Keeping secrets or avoiding issues is not healthy.
• Don’t Be Passive: If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to bring up something difficult with your partner, stand up for yourself! Being passive about what you want simply means that it isn’t going to happen. Speak your mind and state how you feel.
• Be Open Minded: Sometimes in a relationship, there will be people or things that you don’t agree with. This is okay, but it is important to remain open minded about your partner’s perspective and not shut them out just because you aren’t interested in their point of view.

Conclusion

Remember that every conversation doesn’t have to be perfect and that most of the time there are no right or wrong answers.

If you find that your conversations are not getting anywhere, then it may be helpful to seek the advice of a friend, family member, or counselor to get you back on track.

As long as both of you are committed to having conversations together, then everything will work out in the end!