Winton Eliott
Most of us have felt defensive at some point or another. Defensiveness is a natural reaction that can come out in even the most random moments.
However, if you feel like you’re being too defensive, it might be negatively impacting your relationships with others.
In this article, we’ll help identify why you might be feeling more defensive than usual so that you can make necessary changes moving forward.
What causes defensive behavior?
There are a few different things that can cause defensive behavior. It might be helpful to consider the following:
Feeling overwhelmed or stressed out
When we’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, it’s important to take a step back and try to see the situation from a different perspective.
If we can’t do that, we might react defensively to someone who says or does something that we perceive as threatening.
Our ability to think clearly and rationally is impaired when we’re under a lot of pressure, and that can make it difficult to diffuse a tense situation.
If possible, it’s best to remove ourselves from the situation entirely and take some time to calm down.
Once we’ve had a chance to regroup, we can approach the situation with a clear head and more likely find a constructive resolution.
Feeling threatened or attacked
We’re more likely to feel defensive when we feel like we’re being attacked. This could be in the form of criticism, judgment, or even just someone disagreeing with us.
When we feel like our personal space is being invaded, it’s natural to want to put up a wall and protect ourselves.
In some cases, the other person might not even realize that they’re coming across as threatening. It’s important to try to communicate openly and honestly with them so that you can resolve the issue without putting up unnecessary barriers.
Fearing for our safety
If we genuinely feel like we’re in danger, it’s only natural to want to defend ourselves. This could be in response to a physical threat or even just an emotionally charged situation.
Our first instinct is often to fight back or run away, but it’s important to try to stay calm and assess the situation before reacting.
If we can’t defuse the situation, then it might be necessary to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure our safety.
Behavior from someone else
Sometimes, we might be defensive because of the way someone else is behaving. This could be due to their body language, tone of voice, or even just the words they’re using. If we feel like we’re being treated in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable, it’s important to communicate this to the other person. In some cases, they might not even be aware that their behavior is causing you to feel defensive.
Feeling manipulated
We might also feel defensive if we feel like we’re being manipulated.
This could be in the form of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or even just someone trying to take advantage of us. If we’re constantly feeling like we have to justify our actions or second-guess ourselves, it can be exhausting.
In these situations, it’s important to set boundaries and assert our independence. We should also trust our gut instinct and refrain from doing anything that makes us feel uncomfortable.
Feeling guilty
Sometimes, we might feel defensive because we know that we’re in the wrong. This could be due to us making a mistake, hurting someone’s feelings, or even just not living up to our own standards.
When we feel guilty, it’s natural to want to justify our actions or make excuses.
However, this usually just makes the situation worse. It’s important to take responsibility for our actions and try to make things right. We should also be honest with ourselves and admit when we’re wrong.
Having a history of trauma
If we’ve experienced trauma in the past, it’s not uncommon for us to react defensively to things that pose no threat to us.
This is because our bodies are in a state of constant high alert, and we’re always on the lookout for potential danger. This can make it difficult to relax and feel safe, even when there’s no reason to be afraid.
If we can learn to recognize our triggers and manage our reactions, it will help us to feel more in control of our lives.
How do you talk to someone who is always defensive?
It can be difficult to talk to someone who is always defensive, but it’s important to try to communicate openly and honestly. It might be helpful to start by asking them why they’re feeling defensive.
In some cases, they might not even be aware of why they’re reacting that way. Once you’ve had a chance to talk about the issue, you can try to come up with a plan to address it.
This might involve setting boundaries, communicating more openly, or even just spending more time together. If you’re not sure how to approach the situation, you can always consult with a professional.
What defensiveness does do to a relationship?
There are several effects of defensiveness that can be damaging to a relationship. it’s due to:
Creates an atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion.
When we become defensive, we send the message that we don’t trust the other person and that we’re not open to hearing what they have to say.
This creates an atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion, which can damage the relationship.
It can also lead to arguments and conflict
When we’re feeling defensive, we’re more likely to argue with the other person and see them as a threat. This can lead to conflict and further damage the relationship.
Additionally, defensive people are often seen as being difficult to work with and may have difficulty forming close bonds with others.
Make the other person feel like they’re not being heard or valued.
If we’re constantly dismissing the other person’s concerns and invalidating their feelings, it can make them feel like they’re not being heard or valued.
This can lead to resentment and further damage the relationship.
What are some tips for managing defensiveness?
There are several things that we can do to manage our defensiveness and improve our relationships. Some of these include:
Try to understand why we’re feeling defensive
In some cases, we might not even be aware of the underlying reasons for our reactions. If we can identify the root cause of our defensiveness, it will be easier to address it.
Communicate openly and honestly with the other person.
Letting them know how we’re feeling and why we’re reacting the way we are can help to diffuse the situation. It’s also important to listen to what they have to say and be open to their perspective.
Try to stay calm and relaxed
When we’re feeling defensive, it’s easy to get caught up in our emotions and react impulsively. However, if we can stay calm and relaxed, it will be easier to think clearly and respond in a constructive way.
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness can help us to become more aware of our thoughts and feelings, and it can also help us to manage our reactions.
By paying attention to our breath and the present moment, we can learn to let go of our defensive reactions and respond in a more constructive way.
Seek professional help
If we’re struggling to manage our defensiveness, it might be helpful to seek professional help. A therapist can provide guidance and support as we learn to cope with our triggers and improve our relationships.
The takeaway
We all have triggers that can set off a defensive reaction. Perhaps it’s the way our partner speaks to us, or a particular topic that is especially sensitive for us.
When we’re feeling defensive, it’s often because we feel like we’re under attack. Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves, but this can often do more harm than good.
Defensiveness can damage our relationships and make it difficult to resolve conflict. It can also leave us feeling drained and unhappy.
If we can learn to recognize our triggers and manage our reactions, it will help us to feel more in control of our lives.
By understanding our triggers and responding in a more mindful way, we can start to build healthier, happier relationships with the people in our lives.
