Harden Elkington
Blame may be quite toxic in relationships. It might be draining, aggravating, and unpleasant to be the target of blame. It can make you feel inadequate: like everything you do is insufficient or will never be.
It might destroy your confidence in your partner and replace it with a growth of resentment and hatred. And if it goes on for an extended period of time, it can be destructive to the relationship as a whole.
However, blaming our partners is something that many of us are guilty of. We might not even be aware that we’re doing it. We might think that pointing the finger elsewhere is a way of protecting our relationship or ourselves.
But ultimately, it just creates more division and negativity.
Why do we blame each other for things?
So why do we do it? There are a few possible reasons:
We’re looking for someone to blame
When something goes wrong, it can be easier to put the blame on somebody else than to take responsibility for ourselves. It’s often more comfortable to think that our partner is at fault than to accept that we might have made a mistake.
We’re looking for validation.
Sometimes we blame our partners in order to get them to agree with us. We hope that if they admit that they’re at fault, too, then we’ll feel validated in our anger or sadness. We’ll feel like we’re not alone and that somebody understands what we’re going through.
We’re looking for control.
We might blame our partners in order to try and regain some sense of control over a situation that feels out of our hands. If we can make them feel guilty or ashamed, then maybe we can manipulate the outcome to our advantage.
We’re using it as a defense mechanism.
When we’re feeling vulnerable or exposed, we might use blame as a way of protecting ourselves from further hurt. We can put up a wall of anger and resentment to keep our partner at bay.
How can we stop?
If you recognize that you tend to blame your partner for things, there are a few things you can do to try and change this pattern:
Acknowledge your own role in the problem.
The first step is to take responsibility for your own actions. This doesn’t mean that you’re taking all the blame, but it’s important to recognize that you contributed to the situation.
If you can do this, it will be easier to have a constructive conversation with your partner about what happened.
Communicate openly and honestly with your partner.
Talk to your partner about your concerns and why you think you might be inclined to blame them. Explain that you’re trying to change this behavior and ask for their help in holding you accountable.
Be mindful of your words and actions.
The next time something goes wrong, take a step back and think about how you’re reacting. Are you quick to blame your partner? Or are you trying to see the situation from their perspective?
If you can catch yourself in the act, it will be easier to change your behavior.
Try to find a resolution together.
When you do find yourself in a situation where things have gone wrong, try to work together with your partner to find a resolution.
This can be difficult, but it’s important to remember that you’re on the same team. You’re both working towards the same goal: a happy and healthy relationship.
How to deal with someone who blames you for everything?
If your partner is the one who tends to blame you for things, it can be difficult to know how to deal with it. Here are a few tips:
Don’t take the bait.
When your partner starts to blame you, don’t rise to the occasion. Keep your cool and don’t let yourself get drawn into an argument. This will only lead to more resentment and frustration on both sides.
Acknowledge their feelings.
Even though you might not agree with your partner’s perspective, it’s important to acknowledge that they’re feeling something. Try saying something like, “I understand that you’re angry/upset/frustrated, but I don’t think this is my fault.”
Try to find a resolution together.
Just like with any other problem, it’s important to try and find a resolution together. This can be difficult, but it’s important to remember that you’re on the same team. You’re both working towards the same goal: a happy and healthy relationship.
Seek outside help if necessary.
If you feel like you’re struggling to deal with your partner’s blaming behavior, it might be helpful to seek out professional help. A therapist can provide you with additional support and guidance as you work through this issue.
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How can you make better judgments before blaming your partner?
If you want to make better judgments before blaming your partner, there are a few things you can do:
Take a step back and assess the situation.
When something goes wrong, take a step back and try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective. What might they be feeling? Why do they think it’s their fault?
This can be difficult, but it’s important to at least try and understand their point of view.
Talk to your partner about your concerns.
Talk to your partner about why you think they might be inclined to blame you for things. Explain that you’re trying to change this behavior and ask for their help in holding you accountable.
Be mindful of your words and actions.
The next time something goes wrong, take a step back and think about how you’re reacting. Are you quick to blame your partner?
Or are you trying to see the situation from their perspective? If you can catch yourself in the act, it will be easier to change your behavior.
Seek outside help if necessary.
If you feel like you’re struggling to deal with your partner’s blaming behavior, it might be helpful to seek out professional help. A therapist can provide you with additional support and guidance as you work through this issue.
Summary
It’s never easy to determine the source of someone else’s conduct. When it comes to your spouse, the blame game becomes complicated by more than just philosophical confusion.
Take a step back and view your partner’s—and your own—behavior with a more knowledgeable and forgiving eye.
After all, you’re in this together. You both want the same thing: a happy and healthy relationship.
If you’re still struggling, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can provide you with additional guidance and support as you work through this issue.
